


I won't let you.

by adotham (Bates)



Series: Tumblr prompts [8]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, College!AU, Coming Out, First Kiss, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 11:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6236623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/adotham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lams + “I won’t let you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I won't let you.

Alexander had lost count of how many bottles they’d opened and emptied. They’d started drinking at dinner and hadn’t stopped their casual sipping ever since. He couldn’t say this was something he was opposed to; Alexander liked the buzz the alcohol brought with. It just enough to relax him, but not enough to bring on the actual feel of being drunk. It gave him enough courage to speak freely, to partially turn his filter off. 

Another thing it did was give him enough courage to just look without apologizing or looking away, without shying away from it. John was laying on his bed, either pretending to watch the soccer game or actually watching, Alexander honestly didn’t know. There were so many questions on his tongue, so many things he wanted to ask but stayed silent about.

Like  the letter he’d found, three days ago now. Black on white in John’s neat handwriting, the words that Alexander had always been afraid to read. Even if there was nothing going on between them, there was anxiety flowing through his veins at the thought that he might walk in and John would be gone. He probably shouldn’t even have read the letter, but it was addressed to him and he had found it.

No matter how disturbing the contents of the letter, there John was, lying on his bed with a small smile on his face as if nothing was going on. He looked ridiculously adorable, with his hair braided to the back and then in a bun and those shirts he seemed to love, that were approximately three sizes too big. He looked so relaxed, _content_. Damned John with his damn freckles and smiles. Warming his heart and making it skip a beat.

“John? Can I ask you something?” He took another sip, hoping it would help him power through this. Alexander Hamilton knew he was a man of actions and words. He was great with writing, loved it even, but saying them out loud was different. Especially when they were as important as these.

“Yeah, sure, what’s wrong Ham?”

“I was cleaning the other day. _Oh don’t look at me like that_ , I clean sometimes.” In all honesty, it had been the first time this month he’d helped out, but that wasn’t because he didn’t want to do it. There was just so little time and then John was so much better at most of the things, like the dishes and vacuuming. Everything, really. Okay, yes, he was lazy, but that wasn’t _his_ problem. Necessarily. “Okay, no John in all seriousness. I was cleaning and I found this, under the mattress.” Alexander took the book from his nightstand and opened it to where he’d stashed the letter, to keep it safe. “I didn’t want to say anything but.” He couldn’t meet John’s eyes. “Can you tell me what this is all about?”

“Can I?” Alexander handed the letter over almost numbly and watched as his roomie’s face fell when reading the first lines. _Alex. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do this anymore_. Alexander himself had felt his heart skip several beats when he’d read them the first time and the many others. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“You read it?” The question was clear, _have you read it all_. Which he had, multiple times. After is first read through, he had just _stared_. Stared and stared until the words seemed wrong, a different language. He’d read them over and over because it could be that he’d read them wrong. He hadn’t. Each and every time, he hoped he had but he hadn’t.

“Yes.”

“Then you know what this is about.” Alexander could almost see the tension crawl in his posture, the relaxation disappearing completely. This had been the wrong thing to do. 

“Can you explain? Because I don’t understand. What is going on, John?” He wasn’t even aware of his own feet carrying him to the other man’s bed, nor was he of sitting down next to him and yet there he was, tipping his face up so John was looking at him. “Did something happen?”

He just laughed, ugly and raw. _Oh God_. “A lot of things happened.” John took a swig from his beer, eyes fixed on a spot above Alex’s head. “It’s nothing that’s happening now though. This was under my mattress for over five months.” He shook his head. “You found it right as I am starting to be more stable. I should have taken it out.”

“I’m sorry I brought it up.” He should have known that it was old and that it could drag up unpleasant things. “I shouldn’t-“

“No, it’s fine. You probably should know. My therapist has said it would be good, to tell you.” He shook his head. “I’ve been putting it off for pretty long now.”

“Why? You know you can tell me everything.” _I tell you everything. I trust you_. The thought was almost bitter. What had he done to make John not trust him? Not with something like this, something so major. For the last months, there had been a real possibility of him coming home to find John’s body and he wouldn’t even have known it. Wouldn’t even have known why.

“I know. You’re awesome and I really appreciate it, this is just…” He sighed. “We might as well make this story time with Laurens now we’re already at it.”

“Don’t joke.” _Not about this._

“I’m sorry – I freaked you out. Sit back.” 

They sat next to each other, John with his knees pulled to his chest and shoulders touching Alexander’s. Every once in a while, they bumped into each other. “I’ve had a few bad experiences with people figuring this out in the past. They always pull their hands off me. My last…partner… _oh fuck it_ , my last boyfriend didn’t handle it well. For a while, he ignored it, then turned it against me. So I shut off.” He shook his head. “You’re not my shrink, so I won’t go into detail. I’ll save you them, but yes. Some things, alongside my family, have almost pushed me over the edge. I came close a few times.”

“Are you still?”

“Suicidal? Not quite.”

“Do you still want to die?” Alexander knew that he should shut his mouth, that he had taken this far enough. He was already stretching the boundaries of John’s trust.

“Not enough to actively do something about it. You won’t come home to find me dead. Don’t worry.” He shook his head, still holding the letter. “I don’t even know why I wrote to you and why I didn’t just burn it.”

“Okay, good. Good.” Alexander closed his eyes, pulling his knees up as well. “I won’t let you.” He was surprised at how steady his voice still was. “I will bring your ass into the emergency room myself or hell I’ll eat with plastic cutlery if things get bad for you again. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

“You mean you’re okay with a gay roommate?”

“What age do you think we live in?” Alexander couldn’t help but laugh. Of all of this, this was what John fell over? “Of course not. It would be a little unfair coming from me.” He scooted so he could look right at John. The confusion on John’s face as he stretched out his hand almost made him laugh again. “Hello, the name is Alexander Hamilton, your friendly neighborhood bisexual. I would say I don’t bite but…that’s not always the case.” He threw John a wink. “I mean.”

“You’re terrible.” John was smiling however and that was enough. “Good to meet you. John Laurens, a fervent drawer of turtles, not always so mentally stable but gayer than you probably think.”

“Good meeting you.”

“This room is gayer than the entire campus,” John laughed. “That is not something that I ever thought I’d be proud of.”

“Hey, we might only get eight hours a night between the two of us but we have all the sass and all the rainbows. That ought to count for something.” He couldn’t help but grin at the other man and the plucks of hair that had gotten loose from their confinement.

“True. Thank you, for not freaking out on me.”

“Hey, I’m not a dick. Now we’re both out there. Any crushes?” He couldn’t help but ask. “Because I know the scene a little bit. Whoever he is, he might be gay. There are a few others in the building. Otherwise, I might be able to pull some strings, figure it out for you.” He nudged John’s knee with his socked foot. “Just. Hang a sock or something. I have seen Lafayette’s naked ass and that is more than enough for a lifetime. Not that it’s a _bad_ one per se. But.”

“Alex.” John’s face was turning red at his laughter. “Too much info.” He was considerate enough to wait until Alex was done laughing before speaking. “But I do have a crush. Sort of. He’s not interested, though.”

“Oh really? Who?”

“Do you honestly think I’d let you know?” John raised his eyebrows at him. “Honestly. You know everybody. Everybody would know in a nanosecond.”

“I am wounded. I promise I will stay silent about this, come on.” He held out his pinky. “Pinky promise?” John just grinned before hooking his pinky around Alex’s.

“What are we, middle school girls?” He shook his head. “He’s an idiot,” John muttered, “and has questionable taste in music, but he’s awesome and too good to me. Never does the dishes either.” 

“Wait, do I know him?” It sounded vaguely familiar.

“Oh yeah, you do.” John actually rolled his eyes. “Intimately I’d say.”

“Okay are we talking about Burr, because I did share a room with him and I have to say he’s the worst person to crush on in this entire dorm.”

“Jesus Christ, Hamilton.” He was laughing again. “I haven’t seen him more than twice over the past six months. It takes a little longer for me to build up a crush. Honestly, think.”

 _Oh_.

“Wait.”

“Score for Alexander Hamilton. Do you want me to pack my stuff already?” 

 

Alexander was only aware of a few things at that moment; 1) his cheeks were redder than the blood that was pumping through his veins at high velocity, 2) John was there and smiling at him and three centimeters away and finally 3) his lips looked downright kissable and yet for some wicked reason, _he wasn’t kissing him_.

“No. Please don’t pack your bags.” He sat up on his knees, inching forward so he was close enough to reach his face. “John, can I kiss you?”

“Are you serious?” he asked. “I- yes.” He barely had the time to smile before their lips met, noses bumping into each other clumsily until Alexander turned his face a little here and yes _._ They should have done this a long time ago.

“Okay?” Alexander whispered as he leaned back, foreheads still resting together.

“Okay.” John grinned against his lips. “Very okay.”

“Dork.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find this on [Tumblr](http://confusedjimmy.tumblr.com/post/140940005350/aaaa-how-about-lams-i-wont-let-you). c: If you'd want me to do another one of this list, feel free to [send me one](http://confusedjimmy.tumblr.com/post/140911116680/kilgravesjessica-four-word-prompts-please).


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